You Know Me Better Than I Do

November 23, 2010

I had what I thought was a great idea for a blog post. “Movies I’m angry I watched.” I know that I came up with this idea right after I watched a movie and wanted to punt the DVD across the room, so why I can’t remember any of the movies I hate is beyond me.

So this morning I sent a text to my trusted sidekick and former roommate Sarah.

Me: I need your help remembering movies I hate.

Sarah: Movies you hate??? Anything with Elvis to start?

A solid point, but I’ve never seen a movie with Elvis in it, so it’s not like I could really write about that.*

Sarah: Anything with Lindsay Lohan!

Not true, I actually like Mean Girls (ILU, Tina Fey!). But the remake of the Parent Trap was an abomination and Lindsay Lohan owes Haley Mills a personal apology.

Sarah: Or Jennifer Lopez.

I made it through no more than 15 minutes of Jersey Girl, that’s true. Ben Affleck? You need to thank your wife for making me like you again. I did sit through Monster In Law in its entirety, but that was for Jane Fonda’s sake. I would like to take this moment to say — Really, Jane? REALLY? Who is giving you these scripts? And why are you doing them? That person hates you and wants to make a mockery of your very long career.

Sarah: Don’t you hate Gone With the Wind?

Oh, there’s one! Please, for the love of god, I want those hours of my life back.** Nothing I hate more than some good, old-fashioned sexism disguised as feminism!

Sarah: Anything with Natalie Portman!

Listen, Natalie Portman hasn’t done anything useful since Leon, and she went to Harvard, and I irrationally hate anything associated with Harvard. As if that wasn’t enough? She was in those hideous Star Wars films where she acted as convincingly as a pet rock. (Not that the writing helped her.)

Me: Hahahaha! Natalie Portman! Ugh. I’m trying to write a blog post about movies I’m angry I wasted my time watching. I have, apparently, blocked them all out.

Sarah: It’s probably for the best. You know, less rage that way. Write a blog post about how I refuse to play Trivial Pursuit with you. Worst.Winner.Ever.

I’ll have you all know that Spencer is the worst winner ever. I am … spirited. I may sing songs about other players sucking and point a little, but it’s all in good fun.

So, yeah. Apparently I hate a lot of movies and actresses, but I have a magical ability to block them out.

A special note to Zach Galifianakis: if you don’t play a different role than you have in every movie you’ve been in so far, you are on the list. Learn a lesson from Adam Sandler, and save yourself some time.***

I want to add that when I had this conversation with Spencer his only answer was “Grosse Pointe Blank.” For the record? I used to like Grosse Pointe Blank – until I started living with Spencer. If it’s on TV he has to watch it – even if TBS is playing it back to back to back – he will watch it three times in a row. He seems to think this is okay. It is not. (That kind of behavior is only acceptable with The Goonies and Zoolander.)

*When I was little my siblings would play Hunk of Burnin’ Love over and over because it made me cry. I also was sent to the corner once for giving Elvis the finger while he was on television. I don’t even know. It’s buried in my genetic code somewhere that Elvis is terrible. (FYI, this is why I never had a crush on Uncle Jesse – I knew it could never work.)
**Another possible blog post: Dave Eggers, You Are a Self-Indulgent Asshole. “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” was a glorified self-pity-fest, and I want those hours of my life back. No, seriously. I’m willing to take them from him if I have to.
*** I think we can all agree that Little Nicky was the last straw.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Rae November 23, 2010 at 10:14 pm

Aw, sad! I like Natalie Portman and I <3 anything Star Wars. Plus, The Professional (was Leon an alternate title?) was the bomb. Thank goodness we both love Zoolander. ;)

Oh, and yes – Little Nicky WAS the last straw. Good call.

Kirstin November 23, 2010 at 10:36 pm

pianist – awful movie. i never wanted the nazis to win till i watched this movie.
300 – i’m sorry, is a story happening? i thought this movie was about abs. woah, when did monsters happen?
any of the pirates of the Caribbean films after the first one- rubbish. first one was pretty cutesy and fun. all the others, please stop.
domino- they didn’t even try to make a story, they just wanted keira knightly to be semi-naked. also, i wish they would teach girls to fight if they are going to have to go hand-to-hand… it makes us all look bad.
pearl harbor- mental abortion. this film could not possibly be more insulting to me. way to just ass-rape history.
hamlet 2000- did someone just crap in my mouth?!
fantastic four- i hate you forever.
dazed and confused- like a lifetime of being mental handicapped

i could go on…

Patti November 24, 2010 at 5:33 am

I loved Leon! It’s a beautifully done movie.

I am so surpsied you like the first three episodes! Even JarJar?

The worst part about Adam Sandler is that he can actually act – Punch Drunk Love? Funny People? He could have saved his career, but he had to have a kid and start doing children’s films. (Why do actors do that to themselves? Eddie Murphy is the best example. Beverly Hills Cop to the Haunted Mansion? Really?)

Patti November 24, 2010 at 5:38 am

I have only seen a couple of these – the Pirates movies which, meh. Did you expect more? And, I just want to say, I don’t get the Orlando Bloom thing at all.

Dazed and Confused I do like, but that’s because the music and costuming makes me think of my older brothers and sisters and their friends in the late 70s and early 80s.

How did you wind up watching The 300? You had to have known that was a bad idea going in!

Kirstin November 24, 2010 at 8:19 am

pirates- i really just assumed they would stop beating it into the ground. though i wasn’t looking for more than a silly film, the two follow-ups were just stupid. i couldn’t even be mindlessly entertained haha i don’t get the orlando bloom thing either, he’s a terrible actor. he’s decent in lord of the rings, because he doesn’t talk much.
300 i didn’t actually want to see because i assumed it would be awful, but a friend was raving about it so i figured we would rent it. i wasn’t hoping for gladiator or anything, especially since i knew it was based on a comic book but seriously… the monsters are what really made it horrible for me. they could have at least been mythological monsters and i could have excused them- not ‘roar! i’m a monster with blades for forearms grrr!’. just awful. watchmen was a comic book and that movie was amazing- even though they completely changed the ending but, eh.
as far as dazed and confused, i’m not a fan of any of that era of movie-making. empire records is another one that makes me want to shake the directors to death. i just hate the stoner-culture. it’s been more than a decade since i’ve seen that film though so maybe i can give it another go!
i think you need a follow-up post on movies you love

Rae November 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm

The original Star Wars movies were, obviously, far superior. But I like almost ANYTHING to do with the Star Wars universe. However, Jar Jar is awful.

Sarah November 28, 2010 at 6:09 am

“I’ll have you all know that Spencer is the worst winner ever. I am … spirited. I may sing songs about other players sucking and point a little, but it’s all in good fun.”

You forgot to mention the dancing.

PS: You are totally right about Zach Icanneverspellhislast name. Seriously.

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