I like to name things. Not necessarily living things, but actual things. Inanimate objects. I’m kind of superstitious in that I feel like naming an object earns you some goodwill with the object. Maybe it won’t break as soon, or as often, or (in the case of computers/printers/scanners) be less likely to do things that make you want to take a bat to them.
Anyway, Elroy the elliptical has officially been retired. He is still operational, but Spencer had to do another tune up a week after we got into the new house. Honestly, Elroy was not built to endure the 60 minutes of use, five to six days a week that I was inflicting on him. When his fly wheel broke earlier this spring (not a cheap nor easy part to replace) I swore that if he broke again, I would finally invest in a new elliptical. Not a pricey gym quality one, but a nicer model that I didn’t pick up for $100 on Craigslist. (AKA, not one that was a clothes rack in someone else’s house for three years before it came to ours.)
The new elliptical is currently nameless. I’d like to stick with an “E” name, and right now I’m leaning towards Elliot, since my friend Brandon’s suggestion of Egon was shot down immediately by Spencer. It’s not that Spencer doesn’t like the name Egon, or even that he doesn’t like the character of Egon,* it’s the fact that Egon (more specifically Harold Ramus) was one of my more peculiar childhood crushes.
Yes, I had the typical crushes for a tween girl in the 1980s. I had planned an elaborate wedding to Corey Haim (my friend Christina was going to marry Corey Feldman in a double wedding ceremony). I had a crush on Kirk Cameron, until an interview in Bop revealed that he had never eaten chocolate and was scared of spiders (someone in the relationship needs to kill the spiders and it was certainly not going to be me). And even though I was a liberal, Alex P. Keaton made me fall in love with Michael J. Fox (the “P” stood for Peace, FYI, Stephen and Elise were also liberals).
But there was a flip side to this coin that set me apart from the pack — an early signal that I was going to be a nerd’s lady. A trend that started with Egon (Harold Ramus), moved on to Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum), and rounded out with Ed Grimley (Martin Short) [Editor’s note: Ed fucking Grimley?!]. These crushes persevered for longer than I care to admit. I may have, at one point, carried around a short interview with Martin Short in my Hello Kitty wallet. (Okay, for two years.) I mooned over the fact that he had named his son Oliver (the fact that he was probably married didn’t really occur to me, since I was eight years old, I just thought it was awesome that he had named his son after my favorite musically inclined orphan**). I would like to say that this was a brief phase, but in my late teens and early twenties, I would develop a weird crush on Kevin Spacey. When I later met him in an airport, the only reason I didn’t behave totally irrationally was because I was so preoccupied I didn’t realize who he was until he was walking away.***
Why would an eight year old be fixated on men three or four times her age? I have no idea. All I do know is that Spencer is a lucky, lucky man. I mean, it’s obvious that I was attracted to an off-kilter sense of humor early on. (And, apparently, men who turn into giant insects. There’s no explaining that. I wish I could say the Jeff Goldblum thing started with Jurassic Park. There’s no decent explanation for The Fly.)
*Discussing this with my friend Olivia earlier this evening I discovered that she thought I was referring to a character in the movie Hitch… I was not. I then learned that Olivia hadn’t seen Ghostbusters. I feel like a failure as a friend.
**Sorry Annie.
***I was not so lucky when I went to Al Frankin’s book signing when I was 25. I almost choked on my own tongue when it was time to get my booked signed and barely got out a “thank you.” And I didn’t even have a romantic crush on him, I just wanted him to adopt me.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
oh dear… now is the time when I tell you i had an absurd crush on Leonard Nimoy because i loved Spock so much. It headed more toward normal with Micheal Jackson but it didn’t stay there for long- David Bowie happened when i saw labyrinth. Since that time it’s been a steady flow of old men crushes.
OK, my first celebrity crush? LaVar Burton (as himself) on Reading Rainbow (Those eyes *swoon*), at the tender age of 4. I used to kiss the TV.
Later, equally nerdy crushes include: Walter Koenig, Tim Curry, and Wil Wheaton (this one may or may not still exist, just not in it’s original form)
Oh! I forgot, I wanted to suggest Einstein the Elliptical. (I name everything too ^_^)
Oh, how I relate! (More to the naming and anthropomorphizing of objects than the boy/old men crushes, although I can name a few embarrassing ones through the years.) As for your elliptical, how about Elijah? I’ve spent an indecent amount of time this week coming up with potential names for my new car. Names *matter*, yo. I love your blog, btw, and I intend to stalk you indefinitely, just so’s ya know, deah.