Dressing for Summer

June 26, 2012

Ladies, we need to talk. This conversation has been a long time coming and I’ve bit my tongue as long as I possibly could, but the time has come for me to lay it all out there. You see, it’s summer again in Arizona and summer in Arizona means I see the one ridiculous fashion choice that makes my head spin like no other.

Do you know what it is?

Can you guess?

We’re going to have a come to Jesus about Uggs, ladies. Sure, these absolutely hideous, furry, leg truncating monstrosities have their place. I, personally, own some rather unattractive LL Bean snow boots that get me through slush and snow with warm, dry piggies. I get it, I like dry, warm feet as much as the next person.

Now, Arizona is hot in the summer and this is where, I don’t know, maybe no one told you, but Uggs are cold weather clothing items. There is no reason to wear them in 96 degree weather. Any of the warmth and comfort that you feel from them in the winter is surely negated by the sweat and swelling of your feet wearing them in 96 degree weather. With a mini-skirt. And a tank top.

Now, I understand that because your feet are, at this point, roughly 200 degrees Fahrenheit that you have to release body heat in some way. And maybe you learned this from looking at a movie star in a fashion magazine and thought, “Oh, how quirky and cute.”* But what you may not realize is that most famous people are bat-shit insane and can get away with dressing like extras in a Tim Burton film if they want to. This is because they have enough money that people will tell them what they want to hear. But, if you aren’t Lindsay Lohan or a Kardashian people think you look ridiculous and they’re just not telling you because they are too nice.

NEW RULE: If it’s warm enough for your bare knees to be exposed or, better yet, if you do not require a jacket to go outside put the Uggs away and pull out some cute sandals or ballet flats.

While we’re at it, I suggest we ban any item of clothing that has had the first letter(s) changed to a “j.” I’m looking at you “jeggings” and “jorts.” I do not care if they are “so comfortable” – my fleece pajama pants are comfortable but I’m a god-damn grown up and I don’t wear them in public.

Additionally: If you are over the age of 7 and wearing something called a romper you will never be taken seriously. Stop it. Stop.

p.s. At some point I will write a tutorial on strapless bras and when to wear them. Hint: Are your bra straps showing? Wear a strapless bra.

*Or you’re doing it because all of your friends are doing it. This is an awful reason, this is how stirrup pants became a “thing” outside of horse back riding and how the Macarena became a world-wide phenomenon.

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