Bad Decisions

I had this great idea for a post titled “Bad Decisions I Have Made Since Spencer Left,” but it turns out that I’ve really only made one bad decision since Spencer left. That was to start watching horror movies the day he left… and not stop even after the light from my own cell phone almost made me wet my pants on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (What? Doesn’t everyone use their cell phone as a flashlight?)

So, instead, I’m going to list the movies included in this single bad decision from least detrimental to worst decision ever.*

1. Suspect Zero – this is probably a pretty good movie and might even be scary, but I totally didn’t pay attention to it. That one guy from the most recent Batman movie is in it. You know the one. The one that’s supposed to be handsome and isn’t Christian Bale.

2. Session 9 – I cannot take David Caruso seriously, but I take drywall nails in eyes very seriously.

3. The Messengers – This movie shouldn’t have bothered me at all, because I’ve seen most of it, and Kristen Stewart has the acting skills of a young Ricky Schroeder,** but there was a lot of STUFF POPS OUT OF A DARK HALLWAY!

4. Nine Dead – Melissa Joan Hart is not a terrible actress; that’s what this movie taught me. She’s not that great, but she’s not terrible. Also, the sound of someone stomping on someone’s hand to break it will probably never leave me.

5. The Step Father – If you turn the lights off and then you look again and they’re back on, do not go out into the driving rain to look around. This kind of thing hits home, because I do stuff like go out in the driving rain to double check things. I do it because I have OCD though, not because I’m an idiot. I’d love to not check my headlights 13 times a night, but if I don’t the car will catch on fire.

6. Dead Snow – I really didn’t think that a movie about zombie Nazis could be in any way serious, but a group of Norwegians had to prove me wrong. The worst part about foreign horror movies is that you can’t look away from the screen and hide – YOU HAVE TO KEEP READING THE MOVIE. It was around the time a girl started stomping on an icy cliff to get it to collapse so that she could fall to her death instead of being eaten that I realized this was not going to be Shaun of the Dead Goes to Germany.

I’d like to say that I learned my lesson, but this morning I discovered that Event Horizon has moved onto the instant play list. It’s a long weekend, and at least one of those days is guaranteed to be spent hermit-like in the apartment watching so much Netflix my butt starts to hurt from lack of movement. I may as well relive one of the most terrifying experiences of my freshman year of college, only this time alone instead of in a room with 6 other people.

*Note: This is not a statement about the quality of these horror movies as actual cinema. Honestly, none of them were great, this is some serious B and/or straight up bad movie territory we’re in here. If you’re like me and you enjoy that kind of thing, you might also enjoy some of these movies. If you really want to enjoy yourself watching a solid B movie check out Dead and Breakfast. If you want to watch a solid, old, quality horror movie check out the original Black Christmas.
**Rick Schroeder is a good actor. Ricky Schroeder was not. The line is drawn and it is clear.