Everyone I know is pregnant.
This is obviously an exaggeration, but in truth a lot of my friends are pregnant. Every time I log into my email or onto facebook, there’s another announcement. Someone new is expecting a bundle of joy. I blame this on my age, being 32 is to having babies what being 25 is to getting married.
At one point this spring I had 13 simultaneously pregnant friends. Friends, not acquaintances. 13. Pregnant. All at once. I don’t even know how I have 13 friends, let alone how 13 of them wound up pregnant at once.* I pride myself on being a bit of curmudgeon, so considering 13 people “friends” hurts my reputation.
I am not on the baby bus. Not even a little. And yet, I know a surprising amount about having babies. Maybe because I have 22 nieces, nephews, great nieces, and great nephews, or maybe because I’ve had the pleasure of having 13 simultaneously pregnant friends. I don’t plan on having children** at all, and so I’ve become a repository for mostly useless (to me) information. (There is no reason for me to know the term “ring of fire.”) (If you don’t know what that is you should not google it. Do not.) I can share an interesting story with the best of ‘em, and I can offer up information (but not advice) based on the experience of dozens and dozens of other people’s experiences, but I have no desire to be a parent.
For all of you who are pregnant now this next part is important: I will happily talk to you about your kids, and I will very happily nom on baby toes, but I don’t want to hold your baby. No, really, I don’t. I’m thinking about having a t-shirt made. (If you have kids and you just laughed at that, congratulations, you made it through with a sense of humor intact.) Holding a baby is great, for about 5 minutes. The problem is that new parents are a lot like sharks smelling fresh blood in the water when visitors arrive. “Do you want to hold him?” They’ll ask you, growing their pupils to anime puppy size. It’s then you realize that they’re baby avoidant ninjas, they hand them off and then their hands disappear for an hour.
I also want to talk about stuff other than your baby – I still want to know about the person I knew before the baby. I’ve been extremely lucky in that about 95% of my friends have maintained their sense of self post-baby. I’m sorry, I just got distracted overhearing the phrase, “…understand the practical reasons for learning calculus…” There are no practical reasons for learning calculus. He’s lucky this ring is already on my hand because I’m pretty sure he’s an alien.
So, yeah, babies. STOP HAVING THEM, I CAN’T AFFORD TO BUY YOU ALL PRESENTS. Also, Facebook needs to go away because it makes it impossible to lose friends. Generations past had small circles of friends because people would move and lose touch, but no longer. People stay in touch forever now. What have we done?
*I know how literally. Shut up.
**I know that there is a deep-seated, nearly pathological urge on your part to utter the words “you’ll change your mind” right now, but I want you to think hard before you type it.
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