TSA, That Acronym Could Mean a Couple of Things…

I have just spent the last 45 minutes looking for toiletry containers for travel. I know, shocking. I fly all the time; don’t I already have liquids containers of 3oz or less?

Yes, I do. But they don’t say 3oz or less on them and today, for the first time in 3 years, I was stopped and reprimanded by a TSA screener, because they didn’t have 3oz (or less) physically printed on them. She told me she would let me go through “this time.” (Pfft, this time and roughly twice month for the past three years, Crazy.) Whatever, I know I was wrong, but she didn’t need to be so snotty about it.

I have near limitless patience for TSA screeners. They have tiresome, thankless jobs for which they are poorly equipped and probably poorly trained. I smile, I nod, I do what I’m told in security lines because the important thing, for me, is to keep the line moving so that I can get to the bathroom, get to the newsstand, buy my $5 bottle of water,* and sit down to check my email one more time before boarding a too long flight in a too small seat next to some guy who thinks his right knee belongs in my leg space to allow his man parts some breathing room.

I’m sorry; I’m probably just crabby because my 8:59am flight didn’t leave until 12:39 this afternoon due to a maintenance issue. And probably that has me crabby because the last flight I took, last Friday, was 2 hours late due to maintenance issues as well. What I’m saying is that even someone like me, someone who has magically developed patience in some of the worst travel conditions in the past three years, has an off day on occasion.

This is, in part, due to my fellow travelers. My last flight, a short one and a half hour jaunt from San Antonio to Phoenix, got off to a bad start. As the plane was boarding I realized that I needed to use the restroom and excused myself to the back of the plane. I usually won’t do this; I’ll wait it out until we’re in the air, because fighting my way upstream to return to my assigned seat is no way to start flight, but we’d been at the airport an exceptionally long time before our flight, and I’d had something like 4 diet cokes with lunch. When I arrived at the back of the plane, there was someone already in the restroom. (It’s worth mentioning at this point that this was a smaller than average plane – 4 seats across instead of 6 – and that the restroom was proportionally smaller. In the smaller airline bathroom you really have room to pull down your trousers and sit and that’s about it.) Well, the person who vacated the restroom, of that still parked plane, was a man.

Do you see where this is going?

Friends, there was urine all over that bathroom. It was on the top of the closed toilet seat. It was in the dip of the plastic molding where the toilet fits into the wall of the plane. It was all over the front of the housing to the sink and, last but not least, it was all over the floor. I was so stunned that I didn’t do what I probably should have done,** instead I CLEANED THE AIRPLANE BATHROOM SO THAT IT WAS USABLE, quietly did my business, washed my hands,*** and returned to my seat.

And so, as an act of public service, I’m going to make a special request of the male readers. I would like you to take an oath, right now. Place your right hand over your heart and repeat this out loud: “I will sit down to pee in public, co-ed restrooms. No one will think I am less manly for doing this and, in fact, women will swoon because I am extremely courteous and thoughtful.”

Just your agreeing to do this will make up for the fact that twice now I’ve been speeding down a runway for take-off and have been diverted back to the gate for repairs. Because, I’ve got to tell you, I don’t even clean up Spencer’s pee in our bathroom at home, because he’s decent enough to not pee all over the place. That level of caretaking is reserved for critters that walk on all fours. If you want to act like a critter… well then, I can’t help you.

In case you’re wondering I went to www.magellans.com for a lovely set of Nalgene travel bottles – all labeled with their oz capacity.

*I think we can all agree that the only reason the liquids ban is still in place is because of the new revenue source for airports. I think we can also agree that it’s bullshit nonsense.
**What I should have done was immediately walk back out of the bathroom and shout, “Hey, I think you forgot to wipe up the urine you left all over this bathroom. I know you didn’t mean to make someone else do it.”
***And wiped down the basin – BECAUSE THE SIGN SAYS TO – FOR THE SAKE OF MY FELLOW TRAVELERS.