Wedding Spam

December 22, 2010

I joke around in here quite a bit about the Knot’s threatening emails, but one thing I haven’t commented on are the condescending emails. I regularly get emails titled “13 Things Not to Tell Your Bridesmaids” and “15 Things Not to Do on Your Wedding Day.”

Now, I can think of plenty of actual, useful pieces of information that could be in these articles. Things like: don’t show up drunk, don’t make out with the best man, don’t expect it to be a perfect day, get over the fact that all of your friends are not super models* and let go of having everyone wear slip dresses. (P.S. Remember slumber parties? Having a bridal party is like hosting a slumber party for the length of your engagement and wedding. You have to facilitate all of those people and the emotional baggage that come with them for the next X months.**)

Instead, when you log in*** you are greeted with things that indicate you are an asshole or somehow socially inept in general and not just an asshole bride. I know, I know — some ladies get very emotionally invested in planning their weddings and become “bridezillas” but I think that, really, the majority of these women are like that to begin with and the edifice of a wedding just gives them a kingdom in which to reign as Supreme Asshole Dictator. Someone who starts demanding their bridesmaids get nose jobs, lose 20lbs, or throw her a bachelorette in Las Vegas was (most likely) vain, shallow, and spoiled long before she started planning her wedding. If a woman who would do this is reading an article with this title odds are she’s not going to take a moment, reflect, and change that behavior. She’s going to do one of two things:

• Dig into a heaping helping of denial sundae and be aghast that someone else would behave in such a boorish manner! You know, because the things that she is saying, doing, and expecting are totally within reasonable bounds!
• Get angry. Because, HOW DARE someone try to tell her what she can and cannot expect from her wedding! Her Wedding. HER WEDDING. This kind of person is the worse because, on some level, she knows that she’s being over-demanding, but she thinks that, for some reason†, she has earned the right to behave this way or, worse, was just born deserving it.

The second type of email seems to indicate that you have no idea how to survive on your own. Things like: Remember to eat breakfast! Remember to have soft knees or you’ll faint! Designate someone for questions so you don’t have to put out fires on the big day!

Now, I get that weddings are, often, the biggest event that most people host in their lives but I’m pretty sure that most of us have lived through other stressful events. By this time (the marrying age time) we know that we need to eat, we know that we shouldn’t get facials the day before we’re paying for professional photos, and (perhaps most importantly) we have those friends and families (and most of us have those bridesmaids in particular) to help calm us down and keep us on track for the rest of it. I’m not sure what’s worse about this kind of advice, the fact that The Knot is perpetuating some kind of fairytale painting of the helpless damsel-in-distress bride, or that some brides take it so seriously. (And like to pass it on as sage wisdom after their own weddings.)

Of course, there will be responses to this post saying things like, “That’s why I only looked at off-beat bridal resources!” or “This is why I eloped!” or “This is why I’m never getting married!” These are all valid options. I think it’s important, however, that we not discount the traditional wedding – they really can be joyful events and a lot of fun to plan as long as you keep all of these “resources” in perspective. I don’t open most of the emails I receive from The Knot, and I don’t delete my account there solely so that I can log in and see how many days we have to go without doing actual math. (164 by the way.) The volume of their email is a totally different plucked nerve.


Next up I’ll expound a little more to the different camps of brides (off-beat and traditional) and make a plea for us to all just get along.


*Apologies if all of your friends are in fact super models. The fact is that even if they are at least one person hates their dress if you have them all in matching dresses and they’re being polite enough to keep their mouth shut, smile, and shell out $100+ for the honor of wearing it.
**I stand by the decision not to have a bridal party as the best one I have made regarding my wedding (beyond marrying Spencer).
***Because on The Knot you have to log in to read any article in its entirety! God forbid you steal these pearls of wisdom from them without their tracking your every move for marketing purposes!
†I’m really looking to the parents on this one. There’s no other excuse.

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