Klutzy Girls Get the Blues*

I am one of those dreaded morning people. Roughly fifteen minutes after I open my eyes, I am ready for a conversation (further than, “Shut it, have I ever NOT fed you breakfast?” – which I am ready for immediately), and fifteen minutes after that I’m usually ready to make a plan for the day. That does not mean that I am ready for action at five a.m. every day.

The older I get, the longer it seems to take my body and my brain to communicate. This leads to fantastic hi-jinks since I work out in the morning. In the past week: I have gotten my head stuck in the sleeve of my t-shirt, almost lost an eye while putting on my sports bra, and fallen over repeatedly while pulling on my yoga pants. (We won’t even get into the fact that I have smacked my face, more than once, on the instrument panel of the elliptical.) I actually think that the purchase of a home elliptical is probably the greatest investment in public safety I have ever made. (At least it’s the instrument panel of my elliptical and not that of my car.)

I thought, up until this week, that maybe it would get better once I was on the proper dose of B12. I’ve read that B12 deficiency can cause poor balance, and when I’m late with my shots I actually have a noticeable deterioration, but I got my latest blood panel back, and for the first time in two years there is nothing wrong with me. Nothing needs to be fixed. All I can blame this on is age, and the fact that I’ve never been graceful.

Short list of priors:
• I fell over… in the knee deep ocean… losing my glasses to the briny deep.
• I walked into a wall while reading a book, again requiring replacement glasses.
• Ice is not my friend: Volumes 1983-2007.
• I re-enacted the ice skating scene of Bambi in my workplace cafeteria: substitute jello for the ice.
• I dropped a two-foot wide mirror, shattering it, and letting out a blood curdling scream that brought 5 neighbors up from the community pool to my door. (They thought I was being assaulted. I hid for five minutes too embarassed to open the door… until I heard them discussing calling the police.)
• I fell down a friend of a friend’s attic stairs, right after advising said friend to “be careful” – actually making the sound of a drum roll as my ass hit every, single stair on my way to the floor.
• I once used a bee as a weapon against myself – swatting at it while it was in my hair.

And this was all after my parents had my lazy eye “fixed.”

For anyone following my “athletic” career, this is why when I actually start running outside, as part of couch-to-5k training (start date TBD), I should probably take out a second life insurance policy.

*As in bruises.