Newer:
Four Christmases (2008)
I like Vince Vaughn in spite of myself. I like Reese Witherspoon, because I feel like she’s a lady. I really enjoy this movie, even if the first ¾ hits a little too close to home and I feel like they kind of sell out in the end. Fiji or bust, bitches.
Elf (2003)
I don’t love Elf with the passion that a lot of people my age do. There are some funny parts, and it is the reason that people started trying to convince me that narwhals are real, but I really do not like Zooey Deschanel. She pretty much ruins anything she touches. (See also: Natalie Portman.*)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (live action) (2000)
If not for my nephew Lucas, I very likely wouldn’t have ever seen this movie. I love it when his stinky socks crawl away all on their own. Did you realize that Cindy Lou Who grew up to be one of those CW actress skanks? Time passes quickly.
Older:
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
This movie made Rizzo my favorite Muppet, a place he would hold until I met PePe, the King Prawn, in Muppets from Space. The line “god bless my little, broken body” has been uttered by me on more than one occasion.
Home Alone (1990)
The movie that launched Macaulay Culkin’s career (even though it should have been Rocket Gibraltar**). This movie stands up over time; we save it for the end of our marathon! (Previously unreleased information: when I saw this movie in the theater I had to run to the bathroom to keep from peeing my pants I was laughing so hard.)
Even Older:
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
I don’t even know where to start with this one, except the other day while we were running, Spencer mentioned we were about two steps away from being Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Nicolas Guest from this movie, and I almost choked on my own spit from laughing too hard.
Scrooged (1988)
I saw this movie in the theater with my friend Chrissy Herd when I was in the fifth grade. Carol Kane hits Bill Murray in the face with a toaster, and every time I see it I laugh so hard I have trouble breathing.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)
I used to wait on pins and needles for this version of A Christmas Carol to come on every year. I love it, the casting of all of my favorite characters is perfection, and Mickey is a particularly heart wrenching Bob Cratchit.
You Weren’t Even Alive When This Came Out:
Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas (1977)
This was my sister’s favorite Christmas special growing up. The Muppets are amazing; the boat moving on actual water with working Muppets on board is like magic. It’s worth watching this movie for the detailed sets alone, but the growly Chuck reminds me of my husband. (Hooooongrrry!)
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (1970)
A claymation classic. If you don’t like this movie I’m pretty sure you have to leave the country.
Frosty the Snowman (1969) Frosty Returns (1992)
Frosty the Snowman is an okay animated special, with terrible dialogue, and with a main character that shows little concern for human life. We watch it to heckle and out of obligation. Frosty Returns was a sort of bonus with this purchase and… well, there’s a reason they’re giving it away. The animation is specifically made to make it look older than it is, and it’s the most unnecessary sequel in sequel history. The song already tells us he’ll be back again someday. Why, John Goodman, why?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Boris Karloff, ‘nuff said.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
Snoopy is kind of a dick.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
Again, if you don’t like Rudolph and the island of misfit toys you probably shouldn’t tell anyone. I think it’s still legal in some states to burn people at the stake for that kind of thing. Also: Bumble.
White Christmas (1954)
I didn’t see White Christmas until I was in my twenties, which is inexcusable given the crush I had on Danny Kaye when I was ten. The song “Snow” is one of my favorite Christmas songs.
Your Mom Wasn’t Even Alive When This Came Out:
Holiday Inn (1942)
So, this year I saw Holiday Inn for the first time. So… people in 1942 were pretty, uh, casual about black face. I was way too preoccupied with the blatant racism to really focus on enjoying any of the music in this movie, which is fine since, apparently, Irving Berlin is lazy and reused half of the music in other films. (See also: Holy Shit.)
*Except in The Professional, the only useful thing she has ever done.
**For the love of god, watch it.
P.S. I did watch Silent Night Deadly Night 3-5 this week. 1. Don’t do it. 2. I have decided that Part 4 should be called “Silent Night Deadly Night, Season of the Witch” since, much like Halloween 3, they totally abandon their crucial plot device. Also, there are witches. (Hot tip? There are no witches in Halloween 3. Horror movie logic problem!) 3. Part 5 has the single most recognizable star in the entire franchise: Mickey Rooney. Unfortunately, he stars as a toy maker named Joe Petto, and the villian is his robot/puppet son Pino Petto. I can’t decide if this is brilliant on some level of ridiculous or just tragically ridiculous.