The DVD Project Part 7: Bourne to be Bored

The Bourne Identity
So, Spencer actually called someone to get advice for a Bourne drinking; game he was told to Google it. We settled on the Chris Cooper Role Call Challenge. I have asked Spencer to point out Chris Cooper, because who the fuck is that?

I hate Matt Damon. Let’s put it this way, if he owned Good Will Hunting, I would be watching my first ever James Bond film… instead I’m skipping Casino Royale when we get there. (Because I am petty, and Spencer saw it with some hussy right after we started flirting.)

Let’s live blog this bitch.

Lucky he landed face up, huh? I am already questioning this movie.

Hey, look, money. Glad I didn’t pick that game.

“It’s like you’re not even trying to enjoy this.” Really?

Huh. I’m still pretty sure I don’t know who Chris Cooper is.

I don’t know who I am, but I can speak French and English, and look at these mad pull ups!

No, seriously, no one else thinks Matt Damon looks like a date rapist? It’s just me?

I’ll miss you most of all, furrowed brow guy.

Oh, now he speaks German, too? And is a killing machine… officially having Matt Damon night terrors tonight.

“The Agency” is that like The Firm?

Yeah, no, I still don’t recognize this Chris Cooper dude, but I’d like him to start saying names.

I like his sweater.

This seems like a bro movie. Bros like this movie, don’t they?

Spencer is doing a poor job of responding to my, “Hey, who is that guy? That guy is somebody. Who is that guy?” requests. Some movie helper he is.

3 dozen marines, one dude… this seems likely.

I’m getting thirsty. I should have picked money or passports.

Spencer is laughing about CRT monitors; this movie is a decade old.

FINALLY – drink one!

I really should have checked how long this movie is. I can only take so much digital active screen typing… unless it’s that movie with the spy animals. The one with the cats and dogs, not the guinea pig one. That movie was so disappointing.

I’m not sure twenty grand would be enough to get me to let a Theta Chi date rapey looking guy in my car.

I’m not sure I can even be bothered to continue live blogging this, it’s so terrible.

REALLY? A GUY WITH A MACHINE GUN THROUGH THE WINDOW? REALLY? This dude can’t be Swiss, the Swiss do not have this much rage.

Hey! Julia Stiles!

I am now really disappointed to know that Julia Stiles doesn’t want to kill Matt Damon.

Just found out all dudes want to be spies. And, apparently, they think the training should take a week and a half.

Giving up, just drinking to make this tolerable.

Why do people keep trying to remake The Italian Job? Did Mini pay for this?

“Sir, what do you want to do?” Kill Bourne, is that not obvious at this point?

I keep asking Spencer, “Are they gonna do it?” The answer is now yes. Gross.

Oh, awkward post-sex conversation… about fingerprints. [Joke about fingering here]

Mr. Kane’s personal assistant? More like Mr. Kane’s Penis Assistant, amirite?

This whole city is laid out like the pentagon, IT’S A MESSAGE!

Clive Owen looks weird. Spencer says it’s because he’s British, I think it’s his haircut.

Seriously, they haven’t figured this out yet? Really? He’s not a very smart spy.

Spencer is now yelling at the T.V. Now he questions how smart this chick is? Now?

I know what burn means in spy speak because of that awful USA show with the girl who needs to eat some cheesecake. True story. Spies like to threaten one another with burning a lot, they’re an insecure bunch.

I am rooting for Clive Owen, but you knew that, right?

Man, Chris Cooper is making finger snapping look extra douche canoey.

I wonder if my husband would make me popcorn.

[Fin]

This movie is so bad that I had to wait for the next morning to start the other two, and between films 2 and 3 I’m watching some Netflix discs. (This is huge: Netflix discs tend to languish in our house for months.)

The Bourne Supremacy
The title of the first movie was fine: I mean, he had amnesia, whatever. This is stupid. The only thing I have to say about this movie is the following:

1. I will miss the guy from The Ring who was so believable bad, and may as well have been called Dick Cheney outright.
2. I will not miss the weird girlfriend; she was weird and made poor decisions.
3. If the third movie doesn’t have more Julia Stiles I’m going to pop a vessel. I’m hoping that in the third movie she does want to kill him. (But I feel like it’s going to go in the total opposite direction, so I’m not getting my hopes up.)

The Bourne Ultimatum
I either missed what the ultimatum was in this movie or they used a random word generator to get the title. Either way, I probably paid the closest attention to this one and wound up more confused and annoyed than ever. Is Julia Stiles his wife or what? I actually Googled this question after the movie ended, thinking I had missed the big reveal. And then I thought, “Well, it’ll probably be resolved in the fourth movie” (since they left that door hanging wide open). Well, guess what? Matt Damon’s not going to be in the fourth movie, and it’s not even going to be about Jason Bourne. If I were a fan of these movies, I would be super pissed.

I also watched the third season of The Big Bang Theory.

Highlights:

- Sheldon goes to jail.
- Sleep deprived Sheldon in a ball pit.
- Wil Wheaton.

Tagged as: DVD Project