DVD Project: Part 14

April 9, 2012

Critters 1 Critters 1 Critters 3 Critters 4
Critters, Critters 2: the Main Course, Critters 3, Critters 4

Bloodthirsty aliens that look like Popples from the wrong side of the tracks? Only good things can happen here* …at least for the first three movies.

Movies one and two are pretty typical horror movie progression. They get the main characters back for the second installment, which is good. (Scott Grimes is the protagonist. He later went on to join the cast of ER in its final flailing seasons.) Part three is worth watching for tiny Leonardo DiCaprio alone. Part four jumps the shark and goes to space. (Even Jason Vorhees waited for the tenth movie to go to space.) A classic in the tradition of Ghoulies and Troll – so bad they’re good.

I had absolutely no memory of this movie, but it was actually pretty great. Christina Ricci, Joshua Jackson, Judith Greer, and Jesse Eisenberg – pretty much everyone was in this movie. Most puzzling? This movie came out in 2005, and Jesse Eisenberg looks exactly the same.

Dance of the Drunk Mantis
I feel like every Kung Fu movie has the same story. A guy wants to fight, an old guy who can teach him thinks he’s unworthy and tries to discourage him by making his training awful, but then there is a common enemy, and the first guy beats him using his master’s teaching! THE END – OF EVERY KUNG FU MOVIE EVER.

Anna Paquin stars in a film about a cult that sacrifices children, and she’s not the bad guy. Whenever I think of Anna Paquin I think, “What on earth happened to her?” and then I remember she’s on True Blood, and I haven’t bothered to watch that show yet. So, yeah, if you want to see Anna Paquin before she was getting it on with vampires, Darkness is where it’s at.

darkness falls
Darkness Falls
This movie is about the tooth fairy, and it’s terrible. You don’t need any more information than that. (However, I will say that this had a lot of potential, the tooth fairy is decidedly the creepiest of the mythical creatures we sell to kids in our culture – double disappointing.)

Dead End
One of the best horror movies of all time, seriously. And not just because Ray Wise takes any movie he’s in and makes the level of awesome associated with it automatically rise to the fourth power. Watch it.

Death Race
I was dreading watching this movie, because I didn’t know anything about it. Now I’m just pissed that they took a great idea for dystopian film and made it into an action flick. Another thing? I don’t “get” Jason Statham.

Definite Article
I love Eddie Izzard. He’s putting out some of the most intelligent stand up of our time. If you aren’t familiar with his work, you owe it to yourself to check him out.

Desperately Seeking Susan
No one can understand how much I wanted to be Rosanna Arquette when this movie came out. (Aidan Quinn is super dreamy, okay?) This is Madonna’s best film – full stop. This cannot be debated to any other conclusion. Watching it made me sad. Madonna was so pretty in the 80’s, and now she’s beef jerky with a shitty accent and a condescending tone. Also of note: this movie is the reason Get into the Groove is my “getting ready to go out” song. It is my “getting ready to go out song” forever, got that?

The Descent
This movie takes pretty much all of my fears and puts them into one movie.

Small spaces? Check.
Heights? Check.
Lord of the Flies style competition for survival?* Check.
Creepy, flesh eating mutants? Double Check.

I always watch this movie through my fingers, but today I watched with surround sound, so not only were my hands over my eyes but I kept twitching and looking over my shoulder. Perfection.

*What’s that? You don’t know what a Popple is? You are dead to me now.
**Today I explained to my husband that I would never survive in a situation like Death Race or The Hunger Games because I would try to get everyone to join forces and stage a coup. “If none of us kill one another, none of us die! Come on guys! Teamwork!” They would kill me first, and possibly parade my head on a pike to serve as an example.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

PeeKay Two April 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

You are missing so very much subtlety in Dance of the Drunk Mantis. For one, old man who tortures him is adoptive father. For two? The man who becomes his master is not his dad, but his uncle. For three, best opening credits ever. For four, shut uppa you face.

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