Things That Go Thump in the Night

We have cats. If you’ve read the about me section of this blog this will not come as a shock to you. In fact, we’re skirting the line of “crazy cat people” pretty dearly at this point. That’s not really the point of this post though, and if you want to go toe to toe over what constitutes a crazy cat person, we’ll need to get into that another day.

Anyway, we have cats. Anyone who has even a cat is accustomed to the thumps, chirps, and typical “I just threw your [insert random item of variable fragility here] to the ground because it is 6 am and you haven’t fed me yet” noises that they make on a regular basis.* At any given time it probably sounds like our house is haunted.** It’s a common misconception that house cats are nocturnal, they’re actually crepuscular – they’re most active at dawn and dusk. This handily coincides with the feeding schedule offered by their human companions’ work schedules. (I am often heard telling the cats that I have to go to work to makes the monies to buy the kibbles. Also – shut up – if you’re allowed to talk to your baby like you have 5 brain cells left to your person, I am allowed to us a similar tone with someone who has giant eyes like a lemur and lets out a precious silent meow when I pet her head.) In fact, the average house cat sleeps 16 hours a day.***

With this I leave you with common cat inhabited house sounds and what they mean:

1. It sounds like someone is gargling in the kitchen: this means that someone is drinking out of the water fountain. Hadley will only drink running water, and likes to stick his entire head under the stream of water.
2. It sounds like someone is scraping at the window, trying to get in (A vampire, perhaps? Thanks, big brother!): this is the echo chamber of the bathroom, rocketing sound down the hallway, as someone buries their dirty deed.
3. Howling, not unlike a banshee looking to steal your soul: Hadley has a toy, he wants you to play, and he is roaming the house with it in his mouth, maw slightly open, letting his half-Siamese battle-cry ring out.
4. It sounds and feels as though there is a poltergeist under the bed, thudding and growling abound: any one of the 3 female cats are cornered, under the bed between Rubbermaid containers of shoes, by either of the male cats.
5. It sounds like that girl from The Grudge is about to lunge through the dark and eat your face: Worse. Someone is about to throw up. Probably all over something fabric and dry clean only, because why shouldn’t they be comfortable while heaving?

Also, if anyone has any idea what would compel someone to eat this much glitter glue, I am all ears. It’s a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by a great, big WTF.

The one on the left used to say “Atwood.”

Not explained because it’s too obvious: it sounds like someone is throwing shit around the room. Someone is probably throwing shit around the room. This can be accidental (trying to jump up onto a surface and missing, thereby knocking things over on the way down) or intentional (this remote/keychain/vase looks like it might roll/make a cool noise/shatter on impact mirroring my internal rage).

*I should add that we also have 6 chinchillas, and they do a fair bit of grumbling and cage-rattling on their own. The hamster is pretty chill though. Unless you pick her up, then she grunts. Did you know hamsters can grunt? Betty White is not to be man-handled, sir.
** It probably also, often, sounds like we’re dropping large sacks of bricks to the floor from a step ladder because Theodore, our 11-pound, one-year old kitten, elects not to embrace the “graceful” nature that cats, supposedly, inherently possess.
*** Let that sink in for a minute. 16 hours a day spent sleeping. Probably, what? Another hour spent grooming, some time spent chasing dust motes and fuzzy mice… in my next life I want to come back as a house cat.