Bulletproof Monk
So, guess what? This wasn’t my movie; I married into watching it. I like Sean William Scott, but I can only take so much fighting. Also? The beginning of this movie was really confusing for me. There were not-not Nazis, but it was present day and… yeah. This wasn’t even the first time I’ve seen this movie, and I can’t tell you a lot except: the scroll is magic, and (spoiler alert) he is the scroll.
Bye Bye Birdie: 1963
So, Bye Bye Birdie has always been one of my favorite musicals (since I sang “The Telephone Hour” in 6th grade Show Choir), but watching it this time I really had my grouch pants on or something, because the blatant sexism was overshadowed by the fact that Ann Margaret is a terrible, terrible singer. Seriously, like nails on a chalk board. And I’m probably just bitter as the chubby girl who never got decent parts in plays even though I had a decent voice—one better than cuter, smaller girls who could barely carry a tune, but this is the best we could do for an actual feature film?
While we’re on the subject though, we’re still having girls in middle and high school sing the lines, “How lovely to be a woman/And have one job to do;/To pick out a boy and train him/And then when you are through,/You’ve made him the man you want him to be!/Life’s lovely when you’re a woman like me!” Does anyone else think that we need to offer some kind of self-esteem counseling and women’s studies courses before/during/after this musical is performed?
Cabin Fever
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1. I always forget that this movie makes me want to throw up.
2. How did Rider Strong not wind up doing porn?
3. I hated this movie the first time I saw it, but I like it more and more each time I watch it. Something is broken inside of me.
Charade
You need to know two things:
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1. Cary Grant takes a shower in a suit and makes you fall in love with him.
2. The character Sylvie says to the character Regina: “It is infuriating that your unhappiness does not turn into fat.” Something I am certain everyone who ever saw Audrey Hepburn, let alone knew her, thought at least once.
Charlotte’s Web: 1973
I’m talking about the original animated film, of course. That live-action tragedy is right up there with the remake of The Parent Trap (oh, we’ll get there, too). I’ve loved Charlotte’s Web, the book and the film, since I was a very small child. For the record: I have always found Charlotte and Wilbur a little insufferable. (I find Charlotte sanctimonious and Wilbur to be a whiner.) I have, however, always identified with Fern.
Watching this movie as an adult who chooses not to eat most meat (defined as “I won’t eat anything I’m not willing to kill myself*”), it was moving to watch the initial scene where Fern spares Wilbur’s life.
Fern: Where’s Papa going with that ax?
Mrs. Arable: Out to the hog house. Some pigs were born last night.
Fern: I don’t see why he needs an ax!
Mrs. Arable: Well, one of the pigs is a runt. It’s very small and weak, and it will never amount to anything. So your father has decided to do away with it.
Fern: Do away with it? You mean kill it? Just because it’s smaller than the others?
Mrs. Arable: Don’t yell, Fern! Your father is right. The pig would probably die anyway.
Fern: Please don’t kill it! It’s unfair.
Mr. Arable: Fern, you have to learn to control yourself.
Fern: Control myself? This is a matter of life and death, and you talk about controlling myself.
Mr. Arable: Fern, I know a lot more about raising a litter of pigs than you do. A weakling makes trouble. Now run along!
Fern: But it’s unfair. The pig couldn’t help being born small, could it? If I had been born very small at birth, would you have killed me?
Mr. Arable: Certainly not. But this is different. A little girl is one thing. A little runty pig is another.
Fern: I see no difference. This is the most terrible case of injustice I ever heard of.
I’m not going to get into how I feel about meat and the treatment of animals: that’s not what my blog is about, but this sums up most of my feelings pretty handily. Charlotte’s Web is by no means a vegetarian (or even pescatarian) manifesto, but it does a brilliant job of conveying the respect we should all have for one another as living inhabitants of the same planet. I know it’s not realistic to expect everyone to stop eating pigs, or cows, or chickens, or even shrimp – but I think it’s a reasonable expectation for people to respect and honor the animals that die to nourish them, and that’s the message I took away from this story this time around.
Also, Templeton is the best character in this movie. He’s hilariously revolting. (He’s also voiced by Paul Lynde who is Harry Macafee in Bye Bye Birdie.)
Jaw dropping realization: Wilbur is voiced by Henry Gibson who played Dr. Werner Klopek in The ‘Burbs.
Cheaper by the Dozen: 2003
I shouldn’t have liked this movie. I don’t like children; I’m not a huge fan of cutesy comedies with twee child actors; and I really loved the original 1950 movie based on the auto-biographical book, written by a husband and wife team, of the same name. What saved it?
These kids are anything but twee; this movie has nothing in common with the original outside of the title (unlike the three other poor remakes alluded to in this write up); I adore Bonnie Hunt and Steve Martin (who has some of his best work with children: see also Parenthood**); and, most importantly, I come from a large, totally insane family. We don’t have 12 kids in my family; we have 6, which is crazy enough. While the activities of this family are steeped in hyperbole, a lot of the kids’ shenanigans are 100% believable.
Best line: “You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.”
Best gag reel moment: Bonnie Hunt making out with Tom Welling.
Children of the Corn
So, if the last movie was an example of how funny a group of children can be, this movie is a perfect example of why groups of children are totally fucking terrifying.
I saw this movie for the first time when I was seven, and the scene on the road with the body under the blanket still makes me jump so hard my teeth slam together.
Fun fact: Even though it appears in print repeatedly and this movie takes place in fields of corn, I always hear, “he who walks behind the rows,” as, “he who walks behind the rose,” and get super confused.
The Bob Newhart Show: Season 1
So, Spencer owns this season of this show and only this season of this show. Guess what he’s getting for his birthday? (If my obsessive need to completed series doesn’t trigger an Amazon ordering binge before October that is.)
Anyway, I had only seen a handful of episodes of this show before I sat down to watch this season (enough to get the punch line in the Newhart series finale). Verdict: I love it, but I don’t feel like I need to talk about it because there is no excuse for your not having seen it. Don’t be a me. Netflix is your friend.
Boy Meets World: Season 1
Things I realized while watching season one:***
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1. Eric wasn’t stupid in season one.
2. Topanga was way nuttier in season one.
3. Amy and Alan were great parents.
4. Again, and I cannot stress this enough: someone named Rider Strong somehow managed to not become a porn star. Way to go, Rider Strong, way to go.
*Shellfish, sometimes fish if I’m in Texas and desperate for protein.
**I love the movie Parenthood, I also love the show. The casting, in both, is superb.
***Again, Spencer only has season one of this series, too. How is it that he doesn’t complete these collections? It’s breaking my brain.
P.S. It’s Valentine’s Day. If you’re one of those people who spends a lot of time talking about what a waste of time and money Valentine’s Day is know that most people find you exactly as insufferable as the people sending roses, chocolates, and writing bad poetry.