Planning a wedding nowadays is a little strange. Traditions are changing at a rapid pace, as rapidly as the world is changing. Families are spread out across the country thanks to a tumultuous economy and new flexibility in travel. (You don’t have to live close to your family to be close to your family.)
The most commonly heard sentence I heard while planning our wedding was some iteration of, “Save the money, elope.*” The first time you hear something like this it’s easy to laugh it off, but after a while it gets incredibly grating. These statements are consistently translated to, “I don’t like going to weddings, and I don’t want to come to your wedding. Even if you came to my wedding, please don’t put me out by expecting me to come to yours.” In the head of the person they’re said to – whether or not that’s the intended sentiment. It’s easy to become cynical while you’re planning a wedding because of the negativity surrounding the wedding industry.
Not that some negativity isn’t warranted when looking at the wedding industry. There are, seemingly, entire television channels devoted to the wedding industry. With shows like Bridezillas, and the new entitlement generation, it’s easy to grow increasingly negative about something that should be an honest celebration with friends and family.
Of course, there is the other side of the spectrum, the “offbeat” side, which looks to buck the expectations of the wedding machine. Unfortunately, for everyone, the alternative wedding industry has become an economic machine unto itself. With books, websites, and just as much catty competition as traditional weddings at this point a person can start to feel like there’s no winning.
Where did this us against them attitude come from? Why do brides and grooms encourage it? While planning our wedding Spencer and I were consistently surprised by how many people had opinions about what we should do, and how vocal they were about it.
Spencer and I weren’t trying to be traditional, but we weren’t trying to be non-traditional. We were trying to have the wedding we wanted to have with the people we loved. That was the extent of our “vision.” ** We did do a lot of things that most people would have considered non-traditional – walking down the aisle together, not having a guest book, no wedding party (per se), no cake cutting, etc… But my dress was white, we had toasts, we had a formal sit down meal, and we even had a first dance. I liked to joke that we were the most vanilla non-traditional couple in the wedding industry. Pretty much, we had the wedding we wanted to have, in the place we wanted to have it.
And, even with the table ribbon project, we would have the exact same wedding again, every weekend if we could afford it. We had so much fun at our own wedding. That’s the comment we’ve heard the most since the wedding — we looked like we were having so much fun at our own wedding, that people had never seen two people enjoy their own wedding so much. This makes me equally happy (goal achieved!) and sad (why is this unusual?).
My only real advice for people planning weddings focuses on this: You should enjoy your own wedding.
That doesn’t mean that your guests shouldn’t enjoy your wedding, I do not support the “IT’S MY DAY!” attitude of the entitlement generation. We did some very specific things to ensure that our guests had a good time at our wedding.
What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be so focused on the “should” and the “need” that you can’t have fun. You also shouldn’t take anything too personally. There’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like the food, or who resents travelling, or who may even resent the fact that you’re getting married.*** That person is not your problem. Don’t focus on that person, because if they’re focusing on one thing that they didn’t like, instead of all of the wonderful things about that day they will poison the whole day for you, too. Do everything you can up until the day to ensure that things will go smoothly, and then enjoy yourself.
I’ll put the soap box away now and share some pictures our amazing photographer Andree Kehn. †
There is not one picture from this day where I do not look like I am having the time of my life, and that’s because I was.
*Most popular phrasing included, but was not limited to the following:
- “Go to Vegas.”
- “My first wedding was a big wedding.”
- “Wouldn’t you rather buy a house?”
- “We got married for $200 in my grandmother’s back yard.” (This one comes with an accompanying judgmental look, even though we were pretty tight lipped about how much money we actually spent on our wedding.)
**If you’re still planning a wedding, know that the use of words like “vision” make people tune out at best and imagine strangling you with a yard of tulle at worst.
***If this person has manners they won’t say anything about these things. If this person feels like you need to know, so that you can apologize/feel bad you have my permission to roll your eyes at them. If you’re like me you might still apologize to them, but it will be less frustrating if you roll your eyes when you’re alone afterwards. No, seriously, if someone has the audacity to be this ungodly rude you have my permission to add them to your list of people who shouldn’t be invited to parties in the future.
†Andree was and is still magnificent. I don’t want to turn this into a huge ad for her, but I sincerely recommend her to anyone and everyone. She was so nice, and so much fun to have around all day. The quality of her work speaks for itself.
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Wowie!! Great post. And I couldn’t agree more. Follow your own heart and your own drummer and have the wedding you want. It’s your day to define and experience the way you choose!!