Guys, I am so sorry, this one will be a beast. Maybe it’s because it’s the 13th installment?
Coffee and Cigarettes
Indulgent, hipster bullshit that I had a hard time paying attention to when Meg and Jack White weren’t on screen.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
Mean Girls it was not. And Megan Fox is a terrible actress.
Coraline
This was a children’s movie, right? (No, seriously, what?)
The Court Jester
I watched this movie when I was nine and fell in love with Danny Kaye. (And then we read the story and watched the film of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty in the seventh grade and I was all, “OH MY GOD, THERE HE IS AGAIN!” And sought out, and recorded all of his movies on AMC. On VHS. Because I am old.)
Crazy Beautiful
I bought this movie because I saw all but the last 15 minutes at least four times. (Newsflash, I missed the last 15 minutes this time, too.)*
Creepshow
Worth it for Leslie Neilson being haunted by the bloated, drowned corpse of Ted Danson alone.
Leprechaun
-
1. Our murderous protagonist speaks only in rhyme.
2. Jennifer Aniston wears patchwork denim shorts, proving we wore terrible things in the 90s.
Leprechaun 2
The Leprechaun wants to get married. The Leprechaun is also under the impression that all money is his money. The Leprechaun is kind of a sad sack.
Leprechaun 3
Leprechaun: Vegas Vacation, about as entertaining as the Griswald family in Vegas. Actually, if you combined the two movies they might be more enjoyable. (This was also the first “straight to video” Leprechaun release. Shocking, I know.)
Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space
It took the Friday the 13th franchise until the tenth movie to send the villain into space, so I think it’s a clear indicator that they were running low on plot fodder at this point. Worse? The government didn’t cryogenically freeze Leprechaun and send him to space to keep him from his continuous killing spree – he’s just there, in space, hanging out, tormenting another planet when space marines show up. Space Marines.**
Leprechaun in the Hood
Okay, now, we need to have a serious discussion here because I need to know what kind of market research was performed to reach this point. And I want to know why this is the first time, since the first movie, that I’m seeing anyone I recognize. And I want to know how Ice-T and Coolio were talked into this.
Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood
This is my favorite of all of the Leprechaun movies, even if I’m not allowed to say the title in front of my husband.
-
1. Poor Lep*** doesn’t know that people in the hood have guns, ya’ll.
2. There is a scene where hollow tipped bullets are stuffed with clovers to kill Lep. Uh-mazing.
3. THERE IS A LEPRECHAUN RAP. (Pretty much the best thing since DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince rapped about Nightmare on My Street.)
*Kirsten Creepy Tiny Teeth Dunst, that’s her actual stage name.
**At this point I should mention that I think these movies are ideal for a drinking game. Either whenever you hear the word “gold.” Or, if you’re looking to get hammered “me.”
***We’re pretty familiar at this point, me and the Lep.